“The world is your kaleidoscope, and the varying combinations of colors which at every succeeding moment it presents to you are the exquisitely adjusted pictures of your ever-moving thoughts.” – James Edward Allen
Pahiyas Festival
Lucban, Quezon
May 15, 2010
While I’m writing this entry, I’m trying to hold my tears.. perhaps, due to exhaustion, fear of the unknown, being emotional about my family and all those overwhelming experiences that Ondoy has given me and a lot of Filipinos.
The other side of Pasig, taken by a friend.
The other side of Pasig, taken by a friend.
Pic taken by another friend in Pasig.
I must admit, my experience with Ondoy was nothing compared with what I have experienced 19 years ago when I was just a 6-year old kid, when an earthquake hit the country and devastated Baguio City and my hometown Nueva Ecija, I was there.. seeing a lot of establishments falling apart and people dying.. too morbid for my young mind at the time.
But this Ondoy thingie had a domino effect on most people, including me and my family. Until now it’s hard for me to grasp everything that life has been giving me.
Taken by another friend, Thea.
On a lighter note, it has been a continuous learning experience for me. When Ondoy hit Metro Manila, I was out of our house and on my way to Makati because we had a company outing, one of our Managers was about to leave as he was transferred to our Singapore headquarters. I was out.. in danger, tired, bruised.. and fighting alone. From that day on, a lot of things happened that tried to pull me down.. awakened me, tested my faith and attempted to destroy my sanity.
I’ve been trying to keep my composure, still reporting to work and never missed a chance to be productive. It’s just that sometimes I get too emotional everytime I think of my family, especially my Mom who was trapped for a few days inside our Pasig home. I had to endure several days of thinking hard about her condition… even when I am at work. I almost lost focus.
One of the changes that I had to suffer from was being a “palaboy”, I had to ask for help from my friends to give me temporary shelter as I had a hard time going home to our Pasig home. Good thing I have a lot of friends who have been helping me out.
A lot of adjustments had to be made.. by me. I learned to do things on my own including washing and pressing my own clothes, preparing my own food and paying for everything that I needed. Something that I haven’t practiced for a long time since I started living again with my family and helpers.. I am no longer used to taking care of my self and my needs. But now I need to stand on my own. My pocket is empty, my credit cards are worn out, my savings account have been busted. Emergency shopping had to be done, for me to at least have something decent to wear during those times that I can no longer get home.
It’s been almost three weeks and I still haven’t gone home to Pasig. I tried once but I just ended up tired and sick.. with lots of mosquito bites all over my body. I went there a few days ago, water’s still high even an SUV that we used cannot pass by our barangay, I had to ride an improvised raft for me to visit our house. And I was wearing a dress then.. I looked like a beauty queen slash Reyna Elena on a “karosa” 
I decided to get a place since I am working everyday and I cannot stand living in Pasig anymore. It became of of the filthiest cities in Metro Manila. Palengkes have been sprouting everywhere, even at the entrance of a small village where I live.
Pasig (Palatiw) at present. Taken by me, while riding a kariton. In my 5 years in Pasig, ngayon lang bumaha dito.
Sad thing about this is that.. my Mom didn’t want to move out. She just loves our house that she’d rather stay there and endure the condition of our village. Because that is her home, and she wants the comfort of being in your own territory. A week after Ondoy, she went home to our province but that didn’t make her feel better either. Typhoon Pepeng also hit our province in the North. So my Mom went back here in Metro Manila. Do we still have a safe place here in the country? I can no longer see the clouds of hope. 
Another thing that made me sad is the departure of Yaya Kagandahan. As you all know, she is one hard-headed young lady.. she did something that my Mom didn’t like. Part of Ondoy’s wrath. She was scolded and the next day, she was gone. So, from now on.. you will no longer see Kagandahan Series here.
Now my Mom is at home in Pasig with nobody (good thing, an Uncle is always there checking on her/house). You know, it hurts that I really want to be a good daughter now. I want to be by her side, I want to accompany her. I want her to spend her last 3months here in the country with me.. she’s set to go back to Japan in January. I’m sad.. really..
It’s just that I have a work and staying in Pasig is draining.. physically, emotionally, etc. I must admit, we became temperamental after the calamity, something that resulted to series of misunderstandings and fights with my siblings and my Mom. It’s really hard when you are the only one left to take care of the family. My siblings have their own lives now and I am always tasked to do things for all of us. I feel so alone and tired.
After a series of “paglalaboy” (having been living with my sister, my friends, etc.. kung saan ako abutan ng gabi pagkatapos ng maghapong pag-aayos ng mga bagay-bagay, dun ako matutulog. I always have my backpack with me.) I decided to get a place to be my temporary home until the water in Pasig subsides. My bank account is already crying.. But I have no choice, I needed this so I can rest and be productive at work. I’m torn.. I miss my Mom and her futile attempts in cooking.. her being makulit.. I miss home.. I miss my bed, my pillows.. the broadband.. the movie marathon.. I am just praying that everything will be back to normal soon.
View from the place where I currently live. That building is where I work. Convenient, isn't it? But sad.
View of the pad from where I work.
Kung pwede ko lang higupin lahat ng tubig at putik sa Pasig ginawa ko na, so I can go home and be with my Mom.
I haven’t been reading books for a long time now, I haven’t purchased a good read nowadays so I just decided to read again one of my favorite novels of all time — Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. It always feels like the first time even if I have already read this book for several times already. And I am always moved by the lines so I am sharing some of my favorite quotes with you.
For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am the arms of my mother
I am the barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she who never procreated
I am the consolation for the pain of birth
I am the wife and the husband
And it was my man who created me
I am the mother of my father
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one.I need to love–that’s all, I need to love. Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly.
The great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.
…but something always went wrong, and the relationship would end precisely at the moment when she was sure that this was the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After a long time, she came to the conclusion that men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.
If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself.
Sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you.
If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my systems.
There was one thing her mother said that she never forgot: ‘Beauty, my dear, doesn’t last.’
Humans can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.
All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement… Freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves the most.
In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.
Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
At every moment of our lives we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.
The strongest love is love that can demonstrate its fragility.
When a teacher helps someone to discover something, the teacher always learns something new too.
The world enjoys suffering and pain. There’s sadism in the way we look at these things, and masochism in our conclusion that we don’t need to know all this in order to be happy, and yet we watch other people’s tragedies and sometimes suffer along with them. As I say, it’s the human condition. Ever since we were expelled from paradise, we have either been suffering, making other people suffer or watching the suffering of others. It’s beyond our control.
When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.
“I felt that pain is a woman’s friend.”
“That is the danger.”
“I also felt that pain has its limits.”
In all languages in the world, there’s the same proverb: “What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over”. Well, I say there isn’t an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings we try to repress and forget. If we are in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.
…it’s (pain) a very powerful drug. It’s in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives.
I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.
Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes a man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin. Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person’s whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.
By the way, most of these came from Maria’s Diary (the lead and the character I have fallen in love with)
If you have time, girlfriends, read this.. you will enjoy, promise! 
Kung ang time traveler ay si Eric Bana….
hmmmmmmmmm….
Gusto ko na lang din maging Time Traveler’s Wife.
Kidding aside,
I’d like to share my opinion about this film. This movie is so light and has moved me; though I won’t give it a 5-star review since I almost fell asleep at the middle while trying to figure what’s happening in the film. It was confusing, you should not miss a single scene because it’s really hard to grasp the plot when you’re not able to follow the events. Despite me almost having a lie-down, the movie pulled off perfectly.. you know, love stories make me smitten.
I already knew from the start (when I agreed to watch this film, I had no idea who the stars were) who he will end up with when Clare showed up at the library. So I wasn’t keen on those little happenings anymore. Perhaps I was just waiting for a striking scene halfway of the film… just to stimulate me.
Being a time traveler’s wife is a sad sad thing. I couldn’t imagine myself having someone who’d just slip in and out of my life all the time without warning.. And wait in vain. How could you love somebody like that? True love, I guess. But the blessing for having time traveler as a husband is that you can still get to see him once in a while even when he passed away already.
For those of you who were able to read the book, please lower your expectations as it is not the book. This is just an adaptation and I think they have successfully played it. The casting is great. I just love Eric Bana.. oozing with sex appeal, and I liked Rachel McAdams sweet image in this film.
I will end this entry by quoting a few lines from the book which I loved the most:
Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow? – Clare
I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks, I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by abscence? – Clare
This movie tells the story of Toto/Salvatore, a successful film maker who returns to his hometown after 30 years when he learned that his good friend, Alfredo, passed away. The night before he came back, he had a recollection of his past life in his small town where he developed this profound friendship with Alfredo, Cinema Paradiso’s (the theater in his town that Toto frequented when he was just a boy) projectionist.
For some movie critics, this movie talks about a lot of things such as movies per se, the Italian culture, love and relationships, etc. but what moved me is the film’s lesson on friendship, enthusiasm and dreaming. I am a people person and I love gaining friends, not the superficial type wherein you just enjoy being with each other.. but more of the Alfredo-Toto kind of friendship. It’s about learning from each other, and standing by each other even when worse comes to worst. It was a friendship bounded to last even if they haven’t seen each other for years.. and not the typical kind wherein people won’t let go of someone dear to them even if it means pursuing his/her dreams. Sometimes we just have to let go of our loved ones for them to find what will truly make them happy.. as I believe that what would make him/her happy would also mean fulfillment on my part.
Talk about dreams.. when I was little, like Toto, I had my share of aiming for something. I would often make paper dolls and paper outfit for my friends’ paper dolls; draw my dream house; compete in poster making contests; keep a sketch pad and coloring books… I thought I was going to be an Architect, an Interior Designer or a Fashion Designer, but this dream of getting into Arts didn’t materialize. I guess I was just afraid of making an initial step in turning my dreams into reality. I’m not only speaking for myself, I know for a fact that a lot of people don’t really get to fulfill their dreams due to fears, lack of means or lack of support from their loved ones. And I admire Toto because of his consistency when it comes to his ambition — that is to get into something that involves movies, thus, after much trials he was able to make it as a well-known film maker.
I am deeply touched by how an old man developed affection for a little rascal like Toto. It made me realize that friendship knows no age bracket. Also, it is touching how it shows that “fatherhood” isn’t always about “blood”.. it’s a relationship that goes beyond being of the same kin. It’s a wonderful feeling of being accepted, supported and loved.
This movie may be a bit sentimental, but it’s not like those where you’d see yourself crying all throughout the film. I think I just shed a tear twice — when Alfredo came in to see Toto in Cinema Paradiso after he met an accident (when the theater caught on fire and Alfredo was burned). I felt the old man’s gratitude to Toto for saving his life. Another part that made me teary eyed was the last part wherein Toto watched a film that contained all the kisses that were removed from the movies shown at the Paradiso over the years (kissing scenes were edited out from movies, as imposed by the church/priest). It was assembled by Alfredo as a gift to Toto. The film was beautiful that as Salvatore watches it, tears came running from his eyes.
Cinema Paradiso also involved stories about falling in love, trying out, fighting for your love, disappointments, getting hurt and moving on.. but it didn’t get into me as much as what stories on friendship and dreaming did to me. I guess it’s because the tale of love in this film isn’t the same as what we’re going through in present time everytime we fall in love. I don’t know, or perhaps I was just keen on friendship and the type of culture that Italian people depicted in this film rather than focus on Elena, Toto’s one true love. But you know, even in Toto’s love life, Alfredo’s thoughts also mattered and it always boils down to: going after what your heart says.
And here’s the proof:
Alfredo: Once upon a time, a king gave a feast. And there came the most beautiful princesses of the realm. Now, a soldier, who was standing guard, saw the king’s daughter go by. She was the most beautiful one, and he immediately fell in love with her. But what could a poor soldier do when it came to the daughter of the king? Well, finally, one day, he managed to meet her, and he told her that he could no longer live without her. The princess was so impressed by his strong feelings that she said to the soldier: “If you can wait 100 days and 100 nights under my balcony, then at the end of it, I shall be yours.” Damn! The soldier immediately went there and waited one day. And two days. And ten. And then twenty. And every evening, the princess looked out of her window, but he never moved. During rain, during wind, during snow, he was always there. The bird shat on his head, and the bees stung him, but he didn’t budge. After ninety nights, he had become all dried up, all white, and the tears streamed from his eyes. He couldn’t hold them back. He no longer had the strength to sleep. All that time, the princess watched him. And on the 99th night, the soldier stood up, took his chair, and went away.
Salvatore: … In one more night, the princess would have been his. But she also could not possibly have kept her promise. And it would have been terrible. He would have died. This way, however, at least for 99 days, he was living under the illusion that she was there, waiting for him.
Not crying while watching this film doesn’t mean it’s not poignant, believe me, I’m so moved I even told my friend Duchess I’m gonna lend her the disc next time we meet.
Since this is a great film, I’m leaving you some heartwarming lines from the characters.. hope you’ll like them!
Alfredo: Living here day by day, you think it’s the center of the world. You believe nothing will ever change. Then you leave: a year, two years. When you come back, everything’s changed. The thread’s broken. What you came to find isn’t there. What was yours is gone. You have to go away for a long time… many years… before you can come back and find your people. The land where you were born. But now, no. It’s not possible. Right now you’re blinder than I am.
Salvatore: Who said that? Gary Cooper? James Stewart? Henry Fonda? Eh?
Alfredo: No, Toto. Nobody said it. This time it’s all me. Life isn’t like in the movies. Life… is much harder.
Yes, Alfredo, LIFE IS MUCH MUCH HARDER…
Shit happens… and you just have to deal with it. 
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Siguro tama nga si Ricky Lee noong sinabi nya na ang pag-ibig ay may QUOTA.
At sa tingin ko sa lima na yon, ako yung pang-apat. Yung isa, iba ang kapalaran nya. At di yun ang akin.
Mahina ako sa physical pain. Alam ng mga kaibigan at pamilya ko yan. Mayroon akong kakaibang sakit na hindi ko maipaliwanag dahil takot ako sa doktor (kahit doktor and kapatid ko at ang asawa nya) at hindi na ako nagpacheck up ulit nung sinabi ng unang doktor na kelangan ko daw magpatingin sa neurologist. Sa psychiatrist pwede din. Napraning naman ako, baka nga sadyang may sayad na ako o may lamat na ang pag-uutak ko. Ilang beses (actually madalas eh) na akong nawalan ng ulirat dahil sa sakit. Natatandaan ko pa nung bagets pa ako madalas ako himatayin tuwing nasusugatan ako o nasasaktan maski wala naman dugo. Pinakamemorable talaga itong mga ito:
ayan ang talent ko. na ngayon ko lang nibroadcast.
Ayan nalaman nyo na ang aking sikretong nakakahiya. Pero hindi na ko mahihiya sa inyo. Mukha lang ako strong dahil sa features ko pero sadyang mahina po ang aking katawan at sakitin. Lagi nga sinasabi ng nanay ko na abuso na naman daw ako sa katawan ko sa gabi-gabi na ginawa ng Diyos ay nasa inuman at party ako. At nauubusan na ko sa kanya ng dahilan sa kanya kung sino ang dumating na kaibigan ko mula sa ibang bansa at sino ang nagpadespedida. 
At dahil sa pagkaadik ko sa alkohol, hindi na po ako tinatablan ng anesthesia. Seryoso yan. Last time nagpacautery ako ng warts sa aking chest. Sandamakmak na anesthesia na ang ipinahid at ibinabad sa aking seksing katawan (ahem ahem hahaha!) pero sadyang masakit pa din eh. Dahil daw sa epekto ng alak kaya ganon. Well, gudlak na lang sa akin pag ako ay nanganak.
Ang hina ng katawan ko.. pero baket pagdating sa usapin ng puso pakiramdam ko ang lakas-lakas ko.. NOON.
Matapang ako pagdating sa pag-ibig. Hindi ako basta-basta nagugupo. Alam mo yan Duchess. Dahil noong unang panahon na lugmok na lugmok kayo, ako ay relax lang. Tingin ko dahil pinagtibay na din ako ng panahon at sa dami ng masasakit na pangyayari sa aking buhay noong ako ay bagets pa lamang. Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko ako na si Superwoman (pwede din Superman dahil minsan feeling ko lalake ako). Matibay. Matapang. Maparaan sa buhay.
Noong panahon na lugmok ako, ang dami ko ginawa para maglaho lahat ng masasakit at panget na emosyon sa puso ko. Naroong nagpakaweirdo ako sa pag-iisa at pagliliwaliw kung saan-saan. Nandung magsulat ako ng magsulat ng hinanakit sa buhay ko. Pero wala ako ginawang bagay na stupid. Yung ginawa ng isang kakilala (actually nandito lang sya sa tabi-tabi) na nilagyan ng Baygon ang pepsi nya at pinalamig pa talaga sa ref. Yung ginawang sketch pad yung braso nya sa dami ng laslas. Yung namimili na ng lubid na ididisplay sa kwarto nya para maganda ang dating kapag nakita syang nakabigti at wala ng buhay. Ni minsan hindi ko naisip na gawin maski alin man sa mga yan. Pero oo, minsan naiisip ko na lang pag muntik ng mabangga yung fx na sinasakyan ko “shet sayang di pa natuluyan”.. oo mga ganun lang, pero nag-iisip pa naman ako. At naisip kong di worth it pag-aksayahan ng buhay.
Mabilis lang ako nakarekober. Naghiwalay kame middle of 2008 at bandang last quarter ng taon okay na ko e. Ngayon nga maski pakalat-kalat sya jan at pa-cute ng pa-cute eh hindi ko na lang pinapatulan kase WALA NAMAN NA TALAGANG FEELINGS eh (na lahat halos ng tao sa paligid ko hindi ako pinapaniwalaan). Ngayon ibang-iba na ang tinatahak na daan ng puso ko. At sa mga nagbabasa nitong blog ko alam kong naiintindihan nyo na ang gusto ko tumbukin. Pero bago pa nabaling sa iba ang pagtingin ko, ang dami ko pa bagay na nalaman sa ex ko na talaga namang kung yung dating ako lang o ang mga kaibigan kong mahihina ang puso ang nakaalam o nakarinig ay magbbreakdown na lang siguro at tatalon na lang nga sa Ilog Pasig. Kahit pa gusto na nya ko ipakulam noon at bigyan araw-araw ng libreng supply ng mga salita ng pagkasuklam, wala ako pakialam. Tawanan mo na lang. Affected ako pero di na ko umiyak pa ng todo. Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko balde-baldeng anesthesia daw yata ang nakastore sa puso ko. At sila, noong panahong iyon ay mga lugmok at nanghihingi sa akin ng litro-litrong anesthesia para sila naman daw ay makaranas na huminto na sa pag-iyak at pagnamnam ng sakit. Pero sabi ko na lang sa kanila darating din ang araw wala ka na mararamdamang sakit… pero ingat lang.. dahil mahirap maging manhid.
Ilang buwan ay nabuhay ako bilang isang passive na tao. Okay, sige.. darating kayo.. bibigyan ako ng konting liwanag.. pero sadyang nag-aalisan din. Pero wala na ko maramdaman. After all, isang kagat lang kayo ng langgam kumpara sa delubyong sinuong ng puso ko noon. Wala na, napakaboring ng buhay ko dahil para na lang akong isang robot na gagawin kung ano man ang iutos ng tadhana.
Hanggang isang araw, habang nagbabasa ng blog entry ni Drama Queen ay bigla na lang dumaloy ang luha sa akin pisngi. At ako ay napaisip “Taena, kelan ba ang huling beses na umiyak ako dahil sa mga kalahi ni Adan?”
Malamang sa malamang ay naubos ang supply ko ng anesthesia dahil sa mga panahon na inalalayan ko ang mga kaibigan ko na huwag magupo ng sakit at kalungkutan. Isinalin ko sa kanila ang balde-baldeng anesthesia na naipon ko sa puso ko sa loob ng mahabang panahon. Huli na ng namalayan kong pati ang huling patak ay aking naibigay..
At ngayon ko naramdaman na taena tao pa rin pala akong nasasaktan at umiiyak.
Nang dahil sa pagdating ng aking Kryptonite nagbagong muli ang buhay ko at nagising ang natutulog na puso ko. Sabi nga sa isang binabasa kong libro na It’s Called a Break up because it’s Broken:
He was my kryptonite. And like superman, I was powerless in his wake. But if you’ve seen the movies, you know that superman always figures out ways to overcome kryptonite…
Ngayon ko narealize, hindi pa pala ako pwedeng maging Superman/woman. Dahil kung si Superman ay nakakaisip ng mga paraan para labanan ang kryptonite, ako hinde..
nand’yan ka na naman
tinutukso-tukso ang aking puso
ilang ulit na bang
iniiwasan ka di na natutosulyap ng ‘yong mata
laging nadarama kahit malayo, ooh
nahihirapan na
lalapit-lapit pa di na natuto
Hindi pa nga siguro ngayon ang panahon. Baka sakali pagdating ng panahon maging Super din ako.
O baka naman sadyang sumusuko na ako…
Isinusuko ko na ang pangarap kong maging isang superhero.
