AWEFULL

This is what I always tell myself everytime I’m on the verge of losing my sanity coz of a lot of awful things happening in my life. Just like today. I am so frazzled that I  kept on frowning all throughout the day. Still, I thank God for the wonderful things despite being in terrible circumstances most of the time.

Even if I’ve been feeling bad about my job lately and I feel like I’m approaching my career’s downfall, it’s okay. At least I still have a decent job, thus, I earn. I have the capacity to pay for my bills, eat whatever I want, go on a retail therapy, party with friends and travel.

Even if my brother and sister always annoy me coz of my “sisterly duties” that are sometimes against my will, it’s fine with me. At least I have a brother and a sister whom I can turn to in times of trouble. I know they cannot resist me in case I seek help.

Even if mom and dad haven’t called for a long time now, it’s fine with me.  At least I still have parents and I know they love me even if they’re always busy to even check on me. I am still grateful that I have an awesome family.

Even if I’m always sluggish and going through sleepless nights coz of lots of parties, it’s okay coz it only means I have loads of friends who love my company. I know I will never be alone for the rest of my life.

Even if my lovelife is “zero” and I don’t have someone to call my significant other, it’s perfectly fine with me. At least for now I’m not experiencing pain caused by too much love and expectations that are not met.

Even if I always get home mad coz of having a maid who doesn’t seem to know a thing at home and sometimes triggers my blood pressure to go up, it’s okay. At least I am not alone at home. I can still get help (even just a little).

So, when you think you are a loser and everything doesn’t seem to happen the way you want them to, look at the bright side – COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. And thank God.

People say, the one that got away is “that person in your life with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.”

I didn’t buy that before coz I believe that there is no right or wrong time for people who are in love. But then again, with what I (and my friends) have gone through in the past, I realized that yeah, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

And one factor to consider is “timing.”

A few days ago, somebody (he was using a landline) called my business phone and I actually believed it was my friend whom I was talking to coz they have the same voice. He kept on bugging me and I told him I was busy that day that we had to end our conversation. He obliged but asked for my email address. I even got mad at him for asking me that (til then I made myself believe that he was David, my friend) for the nth time. Before we said our goodbyes, he told me to wait for his email coz it would surprise me. But I just thought that maybe it was just a business proposal or referral (David and I have the same work)

When I opened my email, I saw a message coming from a familiar name, a very significant person in my past and the message goes like this..

“It was nice hearing your voice”

I was really really embarrassed coz all the while I thought it was really David whom I had conversation with over the phone earlier that day.

It was my Little Drummer Boy, the one that got away. My first love, the first one who swept me off my feet and the first to teach me a lot of beautiful things. The first guy who broke my heart.

We were never a couple coz of one thing — TIMING. He wasn’t ready to commit at that time coz he he wasn’t yet over his ex girlfriend of 5 (???) and being a teenager that I was, I also believed that I wasn’t yet ready to commit and be in a serious relationship.

I know most people would oppose coz they probably think that isn’t love enough to get into a relationship? I’d say NO. Coz if a person is not yet ready, it would just be a disaster. Since relationships entail “responsibility”, if one party doesn’t meet what is expected, the other one would be disappointed and that’s where misunderstandings and quarrels arise. Sometimes it’s better that we know how to manage expectations. Less expectations, less disappointments.

But we enjoyed being with each other. I had fun and at the same time I feel loved. But I lost him one day due to unforeseen circumstances. Since then everything changed and we didn’t hear from each other often. That was around a decade ago.

We grew apart. We both mature as we went on with our lives and as we go through wonderful and painful experiences in the past. When we both became ready, we already lost each other.

I lost him coz he got a girl pregnant and they eventually got married. But I’m certain it wasn’t out of love.

We went on communicating with each other since that phone booboo experience but I vowed to myself that I won’t be meeting him anymore (but he’s “stalking” me on Facebook, Multiply and most probably, this blog. hahaha!). I’m afraid that if I do, I will ruin my life by committing with a married guy (though he’s not happily married and already “separated”) coz I cannot deny the fact that I still love him  though I already loved a few men after him. I guess it’s true that first love never dies.

Oh well, maybe somewhere, in the alternate universe we would meet again. Know each other again. Fall in love again. Everything will fall into place. And we’ll live happily ever after.

Radio’s fine, it helps me forget for a while… blah blah blah..

Nah, that song is just too cynical for me. I ain’t bursting my emotions like that anymore. Like it will never be the same without him?

I must admit, during the first few weeks after the break up I was looking forward to a whole new world, a world full of angst and days of loneliness. But as days passed by, I realized it could be otherwise.

I am now relishing the wonders of being free.

One form of liberty that I take pleasure in at the moment is the freedom from anger. In fact, until now I still couldn’t believe that I will learn to forgive someday. And that someday is now.

Yes, I have already forgiven those people who inflicted pain on me, including Dr. Doom and that girl (who, our friends said, resembles my physical features). In fact, I saw them together again last week. I didn’t expect them to come coz it was already late, but they showed up.

It was funny coz when it was time to party and everybody gone wild (including myself.. haha!) I saw myself dancing the night away and chatting with the doctors from St. Luke’s (yes, they are their friends who became my friends too when Dr. Doom and I were together). They asked if they can still invite me out to gimmicks and parties and I said I don’t know, I’m fine with that. I just don’t know if they have issues on it. Perhaps I could do it, ONLY if we are in the same bar (like those bars that we all frequent) but not really going to their “territories“. I know the word RESPECT, mind you. We were laughing and they kept on teasing me about how creative and cheesy I was in giving DD presents. They were even telling me how DD looked stupid everytime he shared “kilig” stuff. Hahaha! Too much information, I guess. Anyway, what’s even funny is that the girl was dancing with my friends! Richie and GB (my guy friends) were “robot dancing” when the girl joined them and started “robot dancing”, too! The next day, when I tried to refresh my memory on what happened that night, I was laughing while telling my superfriends that “parang nagkapalit kame ng barkada. Pumarty ako sa barkada nila, sya naman nakisayaw sa friends ko” Hahaha! I still couldn’t believe it could happen. It wasn’t a surprise to Amae, though.. coz she knows that being civil (up to the point of being friends) with the girls who broke my heart is one talent that I couldn’t explain. In fact, the day after that, my Facebook status says:

.. to which my bestfriend reacted, “ang kulit talaga ng love stories mo, laging may drama and twists”

I know they are happy being together. I can see it. I saw it. And who am I to mess up their happiness? I just let it be. I know pretty soon I’ll be happy, too. Oh well, I am happy now.. it’s just that I know I can be HAPPIER.

Anyway, you know you’re ready when you already let go of hatred, right? When you learn how to forgive. I have already forgiven them, thus, I know I’m ready. To be with someone again. To love again. To be loved again.

**But being ready doesn’t mean I’m already falling for someone else ha? I’m ready but I haven’t met someone who would sweep me off my feet again and make me feel like a queen.

It’s very seldom that I repost articles I read over the internet coz I wanted this blog to be as personal as it can be, that only my thoughts and experiences can be seen here but I can’t help but post this letter that a friend sent me via email yesterday.

It was written by Cathy Babao-Guballa’s daughter that she included in her column at inquirer.net.

I reposted this because of several things:

(1) It amused me coz for a young woman like her, this letter is very sensible.
(2) It made me shiver, coz what she wrote probably has happened to some of us in the past (or will happen in the future).
(3) This letter is also a reflection of my thoughts. Just as she is, I am hopeful.
(4) This may serve as inspiration to us, women. Just like what Cathy said, “Even if your heart has been broken a few times, you can always put the pieces back together, and make it right the next time around.”
(5) I have the same sentiments. I can’t wait to fall in love. AGAIN.

Here goes the letter.. happy reading!

—————

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

———–

Article taken from HERE.

We saw each other again last night after more than 2 months, he was with the new girl.

I didn’t know that he was coming coz he isn’t active in the group anymore. He doesn’t hangout with our barkada anymore. Hence, I was surprised when I saw a familiar face near the stage when I walked into the bar. GB told me, “Nandito si Nace ha, di ko na sinabi sayo kase baka di ka pumunta..”

When I learned about his presence and when everything sank in, I joined the comics in the VIP room. I was touched when Ryan asked me to sit beside him. He gave me a hug and said, “Akong bahala sayo sister, di kita papabayaan.” (he really knew what’s playing in my head). I smoked a stick, trying to keep my composure. Fortunately, I did. I was fine. Until Amae decided to join the rest of the audience.

Being the bitch that she is, Amae sat at a table right in front of the stage. While he and the rest of his doctor friends (including the girl) were seated at our favorite/regular spot. It was just a few feet away from us so I had a clear view of them.

When it was time for him to perform, I started chatting with my friend. Haha! Oooops, I used to do that even when we were still together coz he isn’t funny at all. Hahaha! No bitterness whatsoever, he even asked me before why it seems that I never listened to his set.   He was performing right in front of me. Like I was just more than a meter away from him while he was doing his set. Awkward, isn’t it? Swear, I didn’t know whether to laugh at his jokes or just listen passively.

By the time the show ended, he was already wandering and greeted his/our friends including Amae who just celebrated her birthday. He greeted her a Happy Birthday.. but you know what’s even more surprising? He also greeted me an advanced Happy Birthday. I thanked him, of course. He sat beside me and started a conversation. He asked about my family, if my sister already gave birth, the upcoming wedding of my brother, my nephews, my colleagues, if I am still connected with this company, etc etc. We were laughing and smiling while talking to each other while the other girl was sitting at a nearby table and talking to another friend of them. In all honesty, all the laughter and smile I threw when we were chatting were genuine. But at some point, something pinched my heart coz he never knew how much my family and friends adore him. Yeah, I was devastated by the break up but it was them who felt the disappointment more than I did.

When I stood up to go to the restroom, he went back to his table with the girl. When I got back from the restroom, I went straight to talk to my other friends, including one of the bar owners. I saw in my peripheral vision that the girl was coming my way, they were about to leave (my friend and I were standing near the stairs/exit). She passed by me. But I didn’t get to see her face clearly, I didn’t feel like looking at her. She left the bar. Dr. Doom walked toward me, said his goodbye, hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek. I smiled and said “ingat”

Most of the people there are our friends, even the bar owners and the staff. So being the bully that they are, they kept on teasing me. But it didn’t hurt like it was before. I just laughed and shrugged it off.

But when people left. I went to the restroom to fix myself. On my way there I saw GB. He hugged me. I hugged him back. Then I cried. I was kinda emotional coz I know how much my friends love me that they’re always there to cheer me up. To brighten up my day. To ease the pain. I thanked him coz they probably don’t know how grateful I am for having friends like them. They always make things bearable for me.

It was the first time that I saw my past love and his new love together in flesh. I’m happy coz I survived it with genuine smile on my face.

——————————–

PS: Pang-asar tong iPod ko, tama bang nakashuffle at tumugtog ang “One Last Cry”??? Hahaha!

But I feel like the more appropriate song for him is this:

And I’ll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember the way that you saved me
And I’ll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I’m standing on my own
I’ll remember the way that you changed me

This is supposed to be a Father’s Day letter for you but unfortunately, I’ve been busy with work and a lot of things on the side that I failed to write something for you on your day (aside from the fact that I’ve been preoccupied with personal stuff and emotional struggles).

I am really sorry that I wasn’t able to send you something special on Father’s Day like I used to when I was younger. I can still remember how I would spend time browsing the net looking for the best E-Card for you, or even construct my own sentences or design a card for you just to show you how much effort I could exert just to let you know how happy I am that you are my father.

But Father’s Day had passed and the only thing that I was able to give you was an SMS that says “Happy Father’s Day”… I’m sorry.. I’ve been so down lately that I forgot my own family. That was so negligent of me, I know.

I miss you so much. I hope Mom won’t be able to read this coz I miss you more than her. Though I didn’t grow up with you and never really spent much time with you, I miss you. Probably because I have been going through a lot with regard to men in my life — yes, I am talking about lovelife.

I felt the need for you when you called a few weeks ago asking how things are going. You asked me why my voice was soft (coz you’re used to hearing my high pitched voice) and trembling. I told you I was fine. You asked me why I seemed sad. I told you that I was sad. Again, you asked why. I just answered you that I was sad coz “wala lang, malungkot lang.”.. You kept on asking me why and I just said “kase malungkot talaga…” I even explained that it was because I have no one to talk to at home.

Little did you know that I was in pain. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even Mom, not even Ate or Mako. I didn’t want you to feel the pain that I was going through at the time coz I knew I can go on with my life on my own.

You didn’t know how much I wanted to cry, how much I wanted to tell you what I was going through.. but I was so shy coz we were never really close. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I will. I’d go back to the time when I was young and not afraid to tell her parents how things were going on in her life.

Remember when you came home last year? It was your birthday. I am very sorry for not being there at the airport to pick you up along with my siblings. I am sorry for not being there on your birthday. I told you I was at a conference out of town. But the truth is — I was with Nace in a town far from Manila. I chose to be with him than celebrate your 50th birthday with the rest of the family. Oh, the things you do for love. I hope you’d forgive me. I know you will.. coz you understand the power of love.

I’m crying now while I’m writing this entry. Coz I really miss you and Mom. If only I have the courage to let you know how I feel about things, I will.

I do this because I want to spare you from all the pain that I feel now.

I remember you now coz I envy my Mom for having you in her life. You are my ideal man, I hope you know that. I have always been looking for you in every man that I meet. In every man that enters my life.

When I was growing up, I tried to know you better through our relatives. I searched for your flaw. I even asked around, even to the point of interrogating Mom’s family about how you were before when you were pursuing my mother. I got nothing but praises for everything that you’ve done for my mother and our family. I didn’t even hear anyone telling bad stuff about you.

I admire you for all the sacrifices that you made for our family. Even up to the point of living away from us. And I’ve been dying to meet someone exactly like you. That explains why I’m so into older men — coz I want a father figure. Not that I want to replace you in my life, but I want someone who can take care of me like the way you took care of me and my siblings.

When can I find someone like you? Are there still few good men out there? I’m losing hope. Really.

I miss you so much.. Please come home soon. I wanna show you my new tattoo — and I hope you’d forgive me for getting one.

—————-

Sorry, readers. Emo moments again. I just miss my family.

I just deactivated my Facebook account. Well, temporarily. I’ve been terribly overwhelmed by a lot of things lately. I just want to hibernate. I want some time off. But I’ll be back, for sure.. coz I couldn’t afford being missed by my friends and family. It’s fun being there. But for now, I just wanna be alone. In fact, I’m thinking of traveling alone again, or do things on my own. Like the way I used to when my heart broke a few years ago.

I know somehow I’m getting over you. You and only you. But the fact that I see you happy is killing me. Call me selfish or whatever, but I am just human. I want to be happy, too. Not just you. I hate the fact that I have always been on the losing end. Do I deserve all the pain? You were the one who inflicted pain on me yet you two are in perfect harmony. While me? Okay, you see me fine. I’m back to my old self, someone who loves wearing a mask. You see me partying a lot, traveling, meeting a lot of people.. but in reality I know something is missing. Life has never been fair.

And now that my checklist’s done, I kinda feel the need to keep myself busy again. But then again, I have exhausted my means to get over this. I want something new to look forward to everyday. I need my happy pills. I need a shot of bliss. I’m tired of making myself believe that I am happy, but at the end of each day I know that I am still in distress. I deserve to be HAPPIER. I know.

——————

Sorry, readers. Emo moments again. One step forward, two steps backward. Please, don’t push the idea of ignoring coz the more I try to keep everything within me, the more I feel like dying inside. This blog has been my outlet for so many years now. As much as possible, I try to be real here.. in my home.

Call it “quarter life crisis”