AWEFULL

People say, the one that got away is “that person in your life with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.”

I didn’t buy that before coz I believe that there is no right or wrong time for people who are in love. But then again, with what I (and my friends) have gone through in the past, I realized that yeah, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

And one factor to consider is “timing.”

A few days ago, somebody (he was using a landline) called my business phone and I actually believed it was my friend whom I was talking to coz they have the same voice. He kept on bugging me and I told him I was busy that day that we had to end our conversation. He obliged but asked for my email address. I even got mad at him for asking me that (til then I made myself believe that he was David, my friend) for the nth time. Before we said our goodbyes, he told me to wait for his email coz it would surprise me. But I just thought that maybe it was just a business proposal or referral (David and I have the same work)

When I opened my email, I saw a message coming from a familiar name, a very significant person in my past and the message goes like this..

“It was nice hearing your voice”

I was really really embarrassed coz all the while I thought it was really David whom I had conversation with over the phone earlier that day.

It was my Little Drummer Boy, the one that got away. My first love, the first one who swept me off my feet and the first to teach me a lot of beautiful things. The first guy who broke my heart.

We were never a couple coz of one thing — TIMING. He wasn’t ready to commit at that time coz he he wasn’t yet over his ex girlfriend of 5 (???) and being a teenager that I was, I also believed that I wasn’t yet ready to commit and be in a serious relationship.

I know most people would oppose coz they probably think that isn’t love enough to get into a relationship? I’d say NO. Coz if a person is not yet ready, it would just be a disaster. Since relationships entail “responsibility”, if one party doesn’t meet what is expected, the other one would be disappointed and that’s where misunderstandings and quarrels arise. Sometimes it’s better that we know how to manage expectations. Less expectations, less disappointments.

But we enjoyed being with each other. I had fun and at the same time I feel loved. But I lost him one day due to unforeseen circumstances. Since then everything changed and we didn’t hear from each other often. That was around a decade ago.

We grew apart. We both mature as we went on with our lives and as we go through wonderful and painful experiences in the past. When we both became ready, we already lost each other.

I lost him coz he got a girl pregnant and they eventually got married. But I’m certain it wasn’t out of love.

We went on communicating with each other since that phone booboo experience but I vowed to myself that I won’t be meeting him anymore (but he’s “stalking” me on Facebook, Multiply and most probably, this blog. hahaha!). I’m afraid that if I do, I will ruin my life by committing with a married guy (though he’s not happily married and already “separated”) coz I cannot deny the fact that I still love him  though I already loved a few men after him. I guess it’s true that first love never dies.

Oh well, maybe somewhere, in the alternate universe we would meet again. Know each other again. Fall in love again. Everything will fall into place. And we’ll live happily ever after.

Radio’s fine, it helps me forget for a while… blah blah blah..

Nah, that song is just too cynical for me. I ain’t bursting my emotions like that anymore. Like it will never be the same without him?

I must admit, during the first few weeks after the break up I was looking forward to a whole new world, a world full of angst and days of loneliness. But as days passed by, I realized it could be otherwise.

I am now relishing the wonders of being free.

One form of liberty that I take pleasure in at the moment is the freedom from anger. In fact, until now I still couldn’t believe that I will learn to forgive someday. And that someday is now.

Yes, I have already forgiven those people who inflicted pain on me, including Dr. Doom and that girl (who, our friends said, resembles my physical features). In fact, I saw them together again last week. I didn’t expect them to come coz it was already late, but they showed up.

It was funny coz when it was time to party and everybody gone wild (including myself.. haha!) I saw myself dancing the night away and chatting with the doctors from St. Luke’s (yes, they are their friends who became my friends too when Dr. Doom and I were together). They asked if they can still invite me out to gimmicks and parties and I said I don’t know, I’m fine with that. I just don’t know if they have issues on it. Perhaps I could do it, ONLY if we are in the same bar (like those bars that we all frequent) but not really going to their “territories“. I know the word RESPECT, mind you. We were laughing and they kept on teasing me about how creative and cheesy I was in giving DD presents. They were even telling me how DD looked stupid everytime he shared “kilig” stuff. Hahaha! Too much information, I guess. Anyway, what’s even funny is that the girl was dancing with my friends! Richie and GB (my guy friends) were “robot dancing” when the girl joined them and started “robot dancing”, too! The next day, when I tried to refresh my memory on what happened that night, I was laughing while telling my superfriends that “parang nagkapalit kame ng barkada. Pumarty ako sa barkada nila, sya naman nakisayaw sa friends ko” Hahaha! I still couldn’t believe it could happen. It wasn’t a surprise to Amae, though.. coz she knows that being civil (up to the point of being friends) with the girls who broke my heart is one talent that I couldn’t explain. In fact, the day after that, my Facebook status says:

.. to which my bestfriend reacted, “ang kulit talaga ng love stories mo, laging may drama and twists”

I know they are happy being together. I can see it. I saw it. And who am I to mess up their happiness? I just let it be. I know pretty soon I’ll be happy, too. Oh well, I am happy now.. it’s just that I know I can be HAPPIER.

Anyway, you know you’re ready when you already let go of hatred, right? When you learn how to forgive. I have already forgiven them, thus, I know I’m ready. To be with someone again. To love again. To be loved again.

**But being ready doesn’t mean I’m already falling for someone else ha? I’m ready but I haven’t met someone who would sweep me off my feet again and make me feel like a queen.

This is supposed to be a Father’s Day letter for you but unfortunately, I’ve been busy with work and a lot of things on the side that I failed to write something for you on your day (aside from the fact that I’ve been preoccupied with personal stuff and emotional struggles).

I am really sorry that I wasn’t able to send you something special on Father’s Day like I used to when I was younger. I can still remember how I would spend time browsing the net looking for the best E-Card for you, or even construct my own sentences or design a card for you just to show you how much effort I could exert just to let you know how happy I am that you are my father.

But Father’s Day had passed and the only thing that I was able to give you was an SMS that says “Happy Father’s Day”… I’m sorry.. I’ve been so down lately that I forgot my own family. That was so negligent of me, I know.

I miss you so much. I hope Mom won’t be able to read this coz I miss you more than her. Though I didn’t grow up with you and never really spent much time with you, I miss you. Probably because I have been going through a lot with regard to men in my life — yes, I am talking about lovelife.

I felt the need for you when you called a few weeks ago asking how things are going. You asked me why my voice was soft (coz you’re used to hearing my high pitched voice) and trembling. I told you I was fine. You asked me why I seemed sad. I told you that I was sad. Again, you asked why. I just answered you that I was sad coz “wala lang, malungkot lang.”.. You kept on asking me why and I just said “kase malungkot talaga…” I even explained that it was because I have no one to talk to at home.

Little did you know that I was in pain. I didn’t tell anyone. Not even Mom, not even Ate or Mako. I didn’t want you to feel the pain that I was going through at the time coz I knew I can go on with my life on my own.

You didn’t know how much I wanted to cry, how much I wanted to tell you what I was going through.. but I was so shy coz we were never really close. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I will. I’d go back to the time when I was young and not afraid to tell her parents how things were going on in her life.

Remember when you came home last year? It was your birthday. I am very sorry for not being there at the airport to pick you up along with my siblings. I am sorry for not being there on your birthday. I told you I was at a conference out of town. But the truth is — I was with Nace in a town far from Manila. I chose to be with him than celebrate your 50th birthday with the rest of the family. Oh, the things you do for love. I hope you’d forgive me. I know you will.. coz you understand the power of love.

I’m crying now while I’m writing this entry. Coz I really miss you and Mom. If only I have the courage to let you know how I feel about things, I will.

I do this because I want to spare you from all the pain that I feel now.

I remember you now coz I envy my Mom for having you in her life. You are my ideal man, I hope you know that. I have always been looking for you in every man that I meet. In every man that enters my life.

When I was growing up, I tried to know you better through our relatives. I searched for your flaw. I even asked around, even to the point of interrogating Mom’s family about how you were before when you were pursuing my mother. I got nothing but praises for everything that you’ve done for my mother and our family. I didn’t even hear anyone telling bad stuff about you.

I admire you for all the sacrifices that you made for our family. Even up to the point of living away from us. And I’ve been dying to meet someone exactly like you. That explains why I’m so into older men — coz I want a father figure. Not that I want to replace you in my life, but I want someone who can take care of me like the way you took care of me and my siblings.

When can I find someone like you? Are there still few good men out there? I’m losing hope. Really.

I miss you so much.. Please come home soon. I wanna show you my new tattoo — and I hope you’d forgive me for getting one.

—————-

Sorry, readers. Emo moments again. I just miss my family.

I just deactivated my Facebook account. Well, temporarily. I’ve been terribly overwhelmed by a lot of things lately. I just want to hibernate. I want some time off. But I’ll be back, for sure.. coz I couldn’t afford being missed by my friends and family. It’s fun being there. But for now, I just wanna be alone. In fact, I’m thinking of traveling alone again, or do things on my own. Like the way I used to when my heart broke a few years ago.

I know somehow I’m getting over you. You and only you. But the fact that I see you happy is killing me. Call me selfish or whatever, but I am just human. I want to be happy, too. Not just you. I hate the fact that I have always been on the losing end. Do I deserve all the pain? You were the one who inflicted pain on me yet you two are in perfect harmony. While me? Okay, you see me fine. I’m back to my old self, someone who loves wearing a mask. You see me partying a lot, traveling, meeting a lot of people.. but in reality I know something is missing. Life has never been fair.

And now that my checklist’s done, I kinda feel the need to keep myself busy again. But then again, I have exhausted my means to get over this. I want something new to look forward to everyday. I need my happy pills. I need a shot of bliss. I’m tired of making myself believe that I am happy, but at the end of each day I know that I am still in distress. I deserve to be HAPPIER. I know.

——————

Sorry, readers. Emo moments again. One step forward, two steps backward. Please, don’t push the idea of ignoring coz the more I try to keep everything within me, the more I feel like dying inside. This blog has been my outlet for so many years now. As much as possible, I try to be real here.. in my home.

Call it “quarter life crisis”

Dahil walang pasok ngayon, naisipan namin ng mga kaibigan ko na maglamyerda (lagi naman). Pero hapon na kame nakalabas bilang ang kaibigan kong adik sa trabaho ay inumaga na sa opisina. Ang usapan namin talaga ay magworkout sa umaga at magshopping sa hapon. Pero di na natuloy ang pagpunta sa gym dahil wala nang oras (priority namin ang pagshoshopping )

Anyway, so nasa Galleria na nga kame. Wala akong planong magshopping pa dahil ilang linggo na kong halos every other day kung mamili ng kung anik-anik, basta nadadaan ako sa mall.. hila lang ng kung anong magustuhan ko. Ang usapan talaga e yung kaibigan ko lang ang bibili dahil mejo matagal na syang di nakakapagshopping at kelangan na nya palitan ang wardrobe nya. Dahil malapit na nya isabuhay ang pagiging old maid. Hahaha! Jooooke!

Matapos nya makapamili ng ilang damit sa aming paboritong shop ay napadaan kame sa Department Store dahil wala lang, baka may matripan lang syang bilhin. Titingin daw sya ng flats. Ang ending, nakabili na naman ako ng isang dress. Sunog na sunog na ang bulsa ko, oh Lord… ang mga temptasyon talaga!

Sa aming pag-iikot ay napadaan kame sa isang section na panay jacket at meron akong isang nagustuhan. Yung kaibigan ko din nagustuhan sya, actually. Pero black ang gusto nya, ako naman ay white. Naka-sale pa naman.. kaso 10% off lang. Pero keri na din.

Sa pagkakita ko ng jacket na to, umatake na naman ang pagka-emo ko. Pero hindi naman yung emo na nakakarindi sa tenga, pramis. Yung nakakatawa naman. Ewan ko nga ba, ilang araw na ko tawa ng tawa at nangungulit sa kanila. Sabi nga ng friends ko ano daw ang tinira ko at lakas ng tama ko these days. Yung tipong pati mga fastfood crew, saleslady, bagger, janitor at kung sino-sino pa e kinukulit ko.

Mabalik tayo sa ka-emohan ko. Eto lang naman ang nasabi ko nung nakita ko si jacket..

“Ano ba yan, wala naman ako ka-plano-plano bumili pero nakita ko sya. Kung kelan naman di ako naghahanap tsaka ko sya nakita. Hay. (habang nakangiti ng malaki at nagttwinkle ang eyes)” (matagal na kase akong naghahanap ng ganitong klaseng jacket, actually meron ako kaso moss green ang color nya tska mejo bitin yung style). Sakto tag-ulan pa naman ngayon so kawawa naman ako diba kung ang isusuot ko e yung makabagbag baga (halter, spaghetti at tube ang ibig ko sabihin mga tsong) kong mga damit na pang-summer lang naman talaga.

Natawa sila. Sabi ni Che, “teka, jacket ba pinag-uusapan natin dito?” Sabi ko naman syempre, “Oo.”

So nagsukat nga ako. Ewan ko nga ba, maliit yata yung size nila. Ni-try ko yung Large, maliit sya sa kin pero keri lang. So sabi ko XL. Naghanap sila. E nakita ko yung friend ko XL ang sinukat, okay naman sa kanya. Pero mas trip nya yung XXL kase mas comfy sya. Halos magkasize naman kame e, mas malaki nga lang future ko syempre. Wala silang makitang stock ng XL ng white. XXL yung unang binigay sa kin, ang lousy naman ng dating sa kin. Ni-try ko yung XL black na nasa friend ko, ayun saktong-sakto sa kin. Kaso wala ng white sabi nila.

So na-sad ako. Sabi ko na lang, “Ano ba yan. Akala ko pa naman nahanap ko na yung matagal na hinihintay ko. Ang saya ko pa naman kase ngayong di ko sya hinahanap tsaka ko sya nakita. Yun naman pala di sya fit sa kin. Para lang syang Sunny Orange sa gitna ng disyerto, binigyan lang ako ng false hopes.” (sad ang face ko pramis habang napapabuntunghininga)

Sabi na naman nila, “Jacket talaga pinag-uusapan natin dito?”

Sabi nung saleslady, “Yung Large Ma’am ayaw nyo ba? Sakto naman sa inyo yun. Bagay sa inyo.” Sabi ko “Ayoko. Di ako komportable. Bagay nga sa kin, di naman ako makakilos ng maayos.”

Hanggang sa nangulit na sila, “Ma’am meron pa kame ibang color.” Binigyan nya ko ng brown, purple (wtf?!), khaki. Nakasimangot na ko, sabi ko “Ayoko nyan teh, madami na ko mga ganyan iba-ibang color. White na lang wala ako. Meron ako white jacket kaso ibang style sya. Eto talaga gusto ko.”

Yung isang salesman naman inaabutan ako ng isang white jacket na halos kamuka nung gusto kong jacket, kaso lang ang daming mga burloloy. Sabi ko, “Ayoko nyan kuya, ang daming kung anik-anik.. yung simple lang gusto ko.”

Tapos nakaramdam na yung friends ko. Sabi nila dun sa saleslady at salesman. “Ayaw nya nyan Ate, yun talagang isa gusto nya.” (alam nilang pag may nagustuhan ako di pwedeng di ko makuha)

E di wala na talaga. Sad na ko talaga. Sabi ko na lang, may branch naman sila sa ibang mall e. Dun ko na lang titingnan. Baka meron. Pero na-sad ako talaga kase kala ko yun na, makukuha ko na gusto ko.

Hanggang sa humahabol si Kuya, idodobol check daw nya sa stockroom. Sabi ko naman e wag na nila ko paasahin. Ganun naman lagi. Lumipas ang ilang minuto at naiinip na ko, tumingin-tingin ako ng iba pang mga damit pero wala na ko nagustuhan. Yun na yun lang talaga gusto ko anuvahhhhh!!!

After 45 years dumating si Kuyang abot tenga ang ngiti at bitbit ang white jacket na gusto ko. “Eto na Ma’am, may XL pa pala. Huling piraso na lang to ha.”

Ayun nagliwanag naman ang aking mundo at natuwa na din. Tyagaan lang pala at makikita mo din ang hinahanap mo. Ang shunga naman kase maghanap ni Kuya nung una, pano naman kaya sila kikita nun kung hindi nila susuyurin mabuti stocks nila noh?

Mabuti na din at nagtyaga akong mangulit at maghintay para dun sa jacket.

Ayoko na nga talaga maniwala dun sa sinasabi nilang kapag di mo hinahanap tsaka kusang dumarating eh, o kaya bigla mo na lang makikita. Nangyari na sa kin yun. Nung panahon na ang saya-saya ng single life ko (halos 2 years na ko single nun). Wala naman ako talaga planong magboypren nun, makulit lang sya. E sakto, pinana din ni kupido ang puso ko so sige lang. Go lang ng go. Makulay pa naman ang mundo ko nun, yabang ko pa sa friends ko. Sabi ko oo totoo yun, it happens when you least expect it. E yun pala parang yung jacket lang sya, akala ko nakita ko na. Yun naman pala e di sya sakto sa kin, masikip.. di ako komportable.. di ako makakilos ng maayos. Kaya hinayaan ko na lang.

Pero boom! Dahil sa persistence ko kay Ate at Kuya ay nahanap nila ang gusto ko, tutal nandun na din naman ako e, kaya fight lang ako ng fight. Sana ganun din sa love, pag persistent ka at ipinaglalaban mo ang pag-ibig mo e makukuha mo kung anong gusto mo. Kaso hinde. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon. Minsan kelangan mo na lang talaga maggive up. O kaya sya. O kaya yung mga tao na sa paligid mo… o kaya yung jacket mismo ang gigive up. Wahahahaha!

Hay nako. Umatake na naman ang emo-trip ko. Nababaliw na ko. E jacket lang naman ang kinekwento ko. Hahahah!

Okay, pagbigyan ang may sayad these days. Makatulog na nga… at yung mga pimpols talagang napamahal na sa mukha ko (bilang sila naman talaga ang tunay at tapat na nagmamahal sa akin.. haha!) Kelangan ko na sila lipulin sa pamamagitan ng pagtulog. Nyahahha!

Okay, now I’m finally breaking my silence. I’m baring my soul like the way I used to when I started blogging.

Remember that entry about a weekend dream? About losing something important in my life? It happened just a few weeks after that dream. It was like I lost significant organs of my body that I couldn’t seem to function anymore.

I know some of you more or less know the story.

Yes, Dr. Love and I broke up. We officially parted ways about two weeks ago. But the relationship was hanging for a couple of days prior to that. If you’d ask me the reasons behind the break up, I’d say there are some things that are really beyond our control no matter how much we wanted to work things out.

You all know how much I tried to adjust and understand him the best way I know how. I embraced the life that he has despite me getting just a piece of him, up to the point of stepping back… of building my own life apart from my life with him. I was fine with it. In fact, I’ve been through several relationships that never really epitomized the word “commitment”. I’ve always been independent.

It takes two to tango, I believe so. We danced together. We started moving at the same time. But then again, if the other pair of feet that you were dancing with started to get weary and eventually took some time off dancing, you’d find yourself dancing in the middle of the song alone. Even how determined I was to finish the song on my own, I guess my feet started to feel exhausted and finally took a break, too.

It has been my shortest yet sweetest relationship. During our time together, I felt loved and cared for. He is the most gentleman and caring I was able to spend my life with. And I’ll be forever grateful that once in my life, even how short the stint was, I felt complete.

It was kinda different as well in the sense that I already know what I want and what I deserve. We both entered the relationships with no baggage at all, no hang ups from the past and at our most mature state. We have a 10-year gap, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t get along well. In fact, we always meet half way. I guess, lessons in my past taught me to be more wise and full-grown. I was happy despite his shortcomings. He was an answered prayer and everything was majestic.

But then again, all beautiful days eventually have their sunset.

Our sunset came too soon. Gray area started to exhibit even before we could relish the wonders that the day can offer. And like any other sunset, the horizon was melancholic as the sun goes down. Together, we watched how colorful the sky was while the sun was starting to hide. This sunset introduced me to a whole new world. A world wherein I can make full use of my wisdom, my traits and everything. Without me being stuck on that day when all I had to do was dream of tomorrow. Of a different tomorrow. I didn’t realize that tomorrow comes after the sunset.. after the night…

When darkness fully arrived, it was hard. It was gloomy. I was frozen and can barely move. I got overwhelmed with attention coming from people close to my heart. But I opted to get stuck in the darkness like a thief hiding from the people.I didn’t feel the need to explain. I can go on with my life without sharing what went wrong… the reason why it took me this long before I finally express what’s inside my heart.

It’s still painful, I must admit. He told me things that I refused to take in. It’s better to completely cut the cord that connects us. After all, what’s the point of seeing him and talking to him when I know for a fact that it’s no longer the same? It would just double the pain. It would just drown me deeper in misery and utter over and over again how unfair life is. That no matter how hard you try to be together, destiny doesn’t permit you at all.

Nevertheless, I still believe that this is for the better.

After all, it is in darkness that the stars shine the brightest.

I will eventually shine again… someday.

beybeh, sometimes love just ain't enough

“Time is meaningless when you are in love”

That is what Lolo Uly (Noel Trinidad) told Allan (John Lloyd) and Mia (Bea Alonzo) when he saw them together in a park. Something that stirred up my mind and prompted me to write something about love and time — this entry. Loaded with corn and cheese, I found it hard not to laugh while writing. Just please bear with my cheesiness.

When I was young I used to believe that love needs time to develop. I found it absurd to get into a relationship with someone you hardly even know. That’s why I never believed in LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

Over the years I have witnessed a lot of friends breaking up with their significant others of 5 years or so. Painful, indeed, but could be worse had they prolong their cul-de-sac relationships. I have also seen acquaintances who got hitched after just a few months of being together as a couple. I would often shrug it off as I never had faith in unions done impulsively. I made judgments based on what I think is reasonable and realistic. But this made me curious at one point in my life — does the time spent with someone really determine the amount of love that you have for him/her?

When I had my first taste of “impulsiveness”, I realized that yeah, time and intensity of love don’t come hand in hand. You can be with your boyfriend/girlfriend for a long time without having concrete plans for the future while you can fall in love in an instant with one person you just randomly met somewhere and think about being with him/her for the rest of your life. I had 2 serious boyfriends in the past; both relationships lasted for 3 years. But it didn’t constantly occur to me that I’m gonna be Mrs. Madrigal or Mrs. Sanchez in the future. Of course, when you get into a relationship you would never want to waste your time on someone for nothing– but not everything is of shades of red and pink. Mine was like that. There were hopes, dreams and sometimes, plans. But those were all “half-baked”. Perhaps due to the fact that 3 years is long enough to never step-up. And I thought, maybe it’s about time I get serious and plan for the future. But nothing really materialized. I wasn’t even sure of how I feel back then. There were lots of problems and I wasn’t happy anymore. I didn’t end up with any of those men — those 6 years have gone to waste. And so did my feelings for both of them.

Just recently I got committed with someone who literally defy all my rules in love and relationships. I may have known him for more than a year but he was never part of my group. We were never introduced. He was a total stranger to me until that night when we shared a table and started chatting with each other. That moment I instantly felt that he’d play an important role in my life — that is to love me and take care of me. True enough. He does. More than what I have expected and hoped for.

We may have been together for barely 4 months but I’ve never been this sure about how I feel. I’ve never been this thrilled to see what the future holds.

Time, indeed, is insignificant.

PS: I got my own Mr. Cruz.